just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
