My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
