dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
