I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
