what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
