I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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