WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
