just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
