And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
