When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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