Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
