The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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