i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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