just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
