be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
