Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
