Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize