When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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