I got her a Nickelback box set.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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