I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Randomize
