And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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