I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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