so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
