ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
