dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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