I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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