Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Randomize
