tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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