honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
