Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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