I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
