Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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