You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize