before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
