Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
