If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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