you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
