you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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