i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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