Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
