What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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