So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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