i permit you to call me
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
