Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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