Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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