I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
All the doctor said was why
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
