I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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