so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
