my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
