I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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