my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
