Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
