proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
