This is not my ceiling
My liver just broke up with me...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
