Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
