Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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