oh god the rape fog is back!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
