Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
