In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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