Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
