i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
