How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize