I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
